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Forgiving someone that has hurt me is the most difficult thing for me to do. I realize that this is something in my heart that I must fix or I will never be able to truly move on from that hurt.
I have a long standing issue with my brother and things that took place before and after my mother died. You see - my brother is my only sibling and I have not seen him since the day that we buried our mother in 2009. My mother took such great pride in having her business in order...she told all of her friends that she had her will in place and that they would be silly not to ensure that they had their will in place too. My brother lived close to my mother (a couple of blocks away)and with me living in Texas he was the one that she turned to when she had a doctor's appointment or needed to go the grocery store. She was also the one that she turned to when she needed to locate an attorney to do her will. The will was completed but my brother never filed her will so my mother died without a will. My mother had also set me up as an additional signature on her checking account. Obviously there was a reason why I was on her account and not my brother. One hour after my mother died, my brother took one of her checks, forged her name and cleaned out her checking account.
That is an awful long time to hold this hurt inside me and I for one need to let it go. This is very difficult to write and I know that part of the forgiveness process is to absorb both my role and my brother's role in this parting of ways.
I realize that the forgiving process is going to take much effort on my part and some serious soul searching. I know that this journey will only a one way journey as my brother is really not in any position to recognize that he has his own work to do (major addiction issues on his part was a huge reason for actions during my mother's illness and subsequent passing) but that is okay...I am not taking this journey to forgiveness for anyone other than myself!
I look forward to losing the heavy weight of carrying this hurt and anger for so many years.
Today - I take the 1st of many steps that I will need to take even if only baby steps!
To my brother - I want to forgive you for disappearing not only after the funeral but also the day after our Mom's funeral...for not allowing us to come together as a family to mourn together. I only hope that you forgive me for not understanding that you needed to mourn by yourself. Mom would be so disappointed in both of us to know that we have come to this point in our lives.
I do love you and want my brother back!
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