Saying Goodbye to 2017 aka Saying Goodbye to a loved one

This is a post that I have put off writing for much too long since it is so very difficult to write and to re-live.

Memorial Day weekend I received a call from my brother's girlfriend- Nan -  the most incredible and loving woman that had been in his life for a long time and had never left his side over the years...the call that would change the path of my life forever. She informed me that my baby brother - my only sibling had recently been diagnosed with throat cancer.  A week later, we found out that it was Stage 4 and his treatment options were limited. He eventually decided to forgo treatment and the doctor gave him maybe 6 months without treatment.

First thing first...my brother and I had experienced a rough patch in our relationship which so many siblings have done over the years but the difference is we had not seen each other since our Mom's funeral in 2009.  We eventually started talking to each and while we had not seen each other, we were able to bridge that gap that had come between us.

I made a decision that I would fly to Alabama each month to spend what little time we had left to finally make things right between each other. On my first trip there we had that difficult conversation about what he wanted us to do once he passed.  I could not believe that we were having this "talk" with my little brother.  We also worked on his Will and again...I was so not emotionally prepared to do that.  We looked at what must have been hundreds of pictures and for a short period of time...the years between us faded as we shared our memories of friends, family and good times that we had.  I only managed to get two visits in as his health deteriorated quickly.  As I was preparing to fly back to Texas after my first visit, while struggling to speak, he did make me promise to return to visit him again.  The 2nd visit had me arriving on a Saturday.  While this horrid disease had almost robbed him of his ability to speak, he did manage to say to me that "you did come back".    I reminded him that I made him a promise to return to see him and that I wouldn't have broken a promise to him.   In less than 24 hours, Sunday August, 6th, he would be gone. I will forever be thankful that I was in Alabama for his last day on earth and to be their for Nan during this difficult time.

Even after 5 months, I am still a bit in shock over the loss of my brother and I think about all the time that we wasted by not seeing each other over the years.  Part of me wonders if it took this horrible turn of events to bring us back together again...but I will be eternally grateful that we had this special time together.  I miss  our text messages that we would send back and forth about our favorite collegiate football team - Alabama.  I even sent him a text message on his birthday even though I knew that he would not be reading it this year...but it was the first birthday since he left us! 

I still have so many things that I wished that I had said to him, so many questions that will go unasked but I am just so thankful that we spent the last day of his life together!

I miss you Jim...please know that you left a void in my heart the day that you left us but how selfish is that?  I am just so thankful that you are no longer suffering and not in pain.  You are now with our mom and dad!